


Spiegel im Spiegel

by TheVampireAvatar



Series: Kit-Cat [5]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: I cried when I wrote this whoops, Mentioned Characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-10-04 16:01:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10282649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheVampireAvatar/pseuds/TheVampireAvatar
Summary: This was it. This was the day that Nepeta had been dreading her entire life. This was the day when Equius Zahhak, her beloved caretaker and moirail, her best friend, died.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [I_Otaku](https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Otaku/gifts).



It wasn’t fucking fair. 

 

He wasn’t suppose to die this early, this wasn’t how she wanted him to go. He wasn’t even out of his fifties. If it weren’t for this, this,  _ damned  _ disease, he still could be! He was way too young to die for a human, he shouldn’t need to go like this. She had been there, helping him the entire time. As soon as she got that phone call when she was back at the park, she had begun to pack her bags and was back in town the next day. He had repeatedly told her that it wasn’t her fault and he really did appreciate her being there for him, but in the end did it really matter if he died? 

 

“Stage four cancer can be hard for anybody, Ms. Nepeta.” The doctor had told her. “Especially those who are so close.” 

 

Hard? No. Hard had passed, nothing was hard anymore. This pain of seeing her moirail going through all of this with so little Nepeta could do wasn’t hard. That pain was unbearable. This wasn’t even livable. She would switch places with him in a heartbeat if only it meant that she didn’t have to see him throwing up what little he had eaten that day in the wee hours in the morning. This pain that had robbed her heart of ever feeling like it had a chance of being happy again wasn’t hard anymore. And it wasn’t fair either. He had been there everyday for her since she could remember and he had helped her in ways that would’ve seemed impossible for anybody else. He was the bes….he  _ is  _ the best moirail in the entire world. She had to correct herself on a lot of these things in her thoughts nowadays. He was still alive, even if he didn’t seem like it. 

 

And what part, exactly,  of cancer could even begin to be described as hard? This dude would be described as a dipshit in Nepeta’s book. But Equius didn’t approve of that language so she would refrain from that description, accurate as it may be.

 

Equius hadn’t been able to move around a whole lot lately. It had taken too much energy. Mostly, he slept or did something quiet like read to her as she did small chores around the house. His skin had turned an unnatural shade of pale that hadn’t belonged on anything alive. His hair had to be shaved off after all the treatments of chemotherapy and left him with nothing to put into a ponytail, his signature look. His muscles had degraded into nothing, leaving him looking and feeling weak all the time now. The only things that still resembled him even a little bit from her childhood were his smile and his eyes. Even with the bags underneath his eyes or the cracked lips, they were still full of life and seeing those shine together made everything she was doing worth it.

 

He was having bad reactions to his medicine lately, so she brought him to the hospital to see if there was anything that they could do. It was better that he was here with trained professionals and could have access to the medicine he might need or painkillers that work faster. The staff had been extremely pleasant with the two of them and had given him a room to rest in while they go over his lab results and tests to see if they should adjust his levels or go with another treatment entirely. 

 

While they were waiting, Equius was reading his book aloud to Nepeta as she watched in the chair next to him. As he was reading aloud to her, he occasionally would trail off and take a breather for a second. It was hard for him to continuously read all the time and he needed breaks. “Slow down, Equius. I’m not going anywhere,” she purred and nuzzled her head against his arm. “Take a break, it’s okay.” 

 

He licked his chapped lips and smiled at her. “Of course,” he nodded. His voice was so weak it was like listening to gravel talk. She was used to resisting the urge to flinch at this point, so she didn’t even have to think about it when he coughed from saying such a small reply.

 

“Ms. Nepeta?” The doctor knocked on the door they were in and peeked his head in. “May I have a word with you please?” 

 

In the hallway there was a few benches for patients’ visitors to sit on as they conversed with each other or the doctors. Mostly it was a nice little area, some couches and tables surrounded by a few tissue boxes and trash cans (for obvious reasons). The doctor reached down and squirted a bit of the antibacterial-liquid they had on a counter next to the tissues. “Would you like to sit down?” 

 

“No.” There wasn’t any point in being subtle now, was there? After all, Equius was in pain and she wanted him to get better as soon as she could. “What treatment are we going to do? Do we need to go somewhere else for it or do you have it here? We could-.”

 

“Ms. Nepeta, please. Let me speak.” Nepeta bit her tongue and tried not to argue with the man. He’d been okay this far, he kept Equius alive this far, and that’s all she needed  to know in order to trust him. 

 

“There has been a few complications with Mr. Zahhak.” 

 

“What complications?” 

 

“Due to the intense progress of the cancer cells in his body, the medicine isn’t able to keep up anymore.” 

 

“So? Put him on more meds, get him stronger drugs, give him more doses, give him something!” 

 

“He is already on the strongest drugs we have available, Ms. Nepeta, please, calm down.” He tried to place a hand on her shoulder but she shrugged it off and glared at him. 

 

“Do not tell me to calm down.” 

 

The doctor took a deep breath through his nose and nodded. “There’s nothing we can do now. His cancer is terminal and aggressive so we can give him some painkillers but outside of that…” He held up his hands. “I’m very sorry to say this, he was such a wonderful man.” 

 

Nepeta froze. She didn’t have any feeling in her chest for a few seconds. But those seconds had stretched out into an eternity for her. Hours went by in the span of those few seconds. It might’ve been four, or five at the most, but she swore that she could’ve felt the earth give below her feet because her heart certainly wasn’t in her chest anymore. The air was gone from the earth too, it was taken up the moment that the doctor told her this inconceivable news. Ice seemed to have replaced it because when she took a gulp of much needed air, it stung the entire way down and didn’t settle in her lungs right. She expected herself to scream or cry and beg and plead for them to find another way to save him, he was the only person left for her in this god forsaken world, but instead she did the complete opposite. 

 

“Is.” 

 

“Is?” The doctor spoke, confused. “Is what?” 

 

“He  _ IS  _ a wonderful man. He  _ IS  _ alive. He  _ IS not dead yet.”  _

 

She turned around and took a few steps back to his room before she stopped to take another icy breath. “How long?” 

 

“I cannot say, maybe a week or so at most? We really cannot determine it, but...expect it soon.” 

She had expected the sobs to come, at least tears to fill her eyes, but nothing came. It was like the doctor had taken her tears along with any hope she had left. 

 

“What did he say?” Equius asked later, after he woke up from his nap. “What gosh darned treatments are we going to try now?” 

 

Nepeta paused in eating her cafeteria sandwich. He had always been so honest with her, was it right for her to tell him the truth or lie to his face? By the time it had taken her to reach a decision, she knew it was too late for either option. She had hesitated and he already knew. The errie way he had slowly put his book back down after just reaching for it, the way that his entire frame seemed to tense then relax, the way that he just nodded and reached for her hand. 

 

He knew it. She knew it. Still, no tears were shed for it. She simply moved into the bed he was resting in and cuddled with him. He murmured things in her ear, trying to comfort her as best as he could. She would never tell him this, she would take it to her grave before she would let him hear it, but it only made her feel worse. He was on his death bed, dying of cancer at a young age for humans, trying to comfort her. Shouldn’t it be the reverse? She was furious. But not at him; never at him. 

 

If it was agonizing before, it was hell on earth now. They didn’t know how long it would take, but neither wanted to go back home. Equius mentioned it, but then decided against it. Rather, he sent her to go get a few things from their house for the next few days. A photo album, some clothes that he would like to wear, and a few more books for him to read. The two of them had spent the next few hours sleeping on and off, eating, or just simply talking to the other (sleeping or not). 

 

It was later in the week. He was taken off of the heart monitor and was simply left in hospice with Nepeta. They were gracious enough to give them a bigger bed so they could cuddle with each other as his time ran out. 

 

He was reading his book aloud to her, softly this time. It was much softer than what she was used to and it almost scared her. He assured her it was simply because he was tired and didn’t want to exhaust his voice too. She let it slide, going back to the photo album she was viewing. There were pictures of everything in it. From her childhood before and after she was taken, to the surprise birthday party Nepeta and Feferi threw for Equius. The Striders were in it too with the trolls. There were a few pictures of her graduation and of her at the park teaching some kids how to tell the difference in paw types. She didn’t even know he was there in the crowd, let alone that he got pictures and developed them. She was glad that he did, for whatever reason it seemed better to be actually able to hold them in her hand rather than just see it on the screen. 

 

“Hey, Eq, lookat.” She held up a picture of the two of them cuddling together. It was when she first started school. She was having trouble with biology at the time and Equius had taught her a few things about the plants and animals to help her learn better. At that point, she was so excited that she fell asleep with her head over his chest to listen to his heart. Feferi had taken the picture and put it in the scrapbook. “Look how small I was.” 

 

“Hmm, I do remember that.” He reached up his hand (Nepeta trying hard not to notice the amount of shaking it was doing) and placed it on her head. He guided her head over to his chest so she could hear his heart again. It was weaker than Nepeta remembered, but it was still beating to its own rhythm so she couldn’t really blame it. “You were so small, what happened?” 

 

“Damn growth hormones,” she giggled and nuzzled into his chest. “You should know this, didn’t you study to be a vet or something?”

 

He took the picture out of her hands and smiled at it, the nostalgia heavy in his eyes. “Specialized in trolls, yes. Though,” he squeezed her head softly, lovingly. “I would rather you not use such crude language.” 

 

“Sorry, hehe.” She yawned and looked at his book that he was reading. “Do you think you could read to me some more?” 

 

He let out a hum in agreement and picked it back up. He picked up where he left off and Nepeta leaned into it, yearning to hear his voice that had soothed her for her entire life. His voice was still strong enough to be her lullaby and the vibration in his chest only calmed her that much more. He was her rock in the crazy messed up world, and she was glad it was him. She curled around his frame that much more and purred in the back of her throat. Her tail curled around his leg and it made him pause in his reading to let out a nice little sigh and a giggle (so small she was sure he would deny it if she asked about it). It wasn’t long before she was lulled to sleep, yawning a bit before she was completely under. 

 

When she awoke, it wasn’t peaceful like she imagined it to be. The room was silent, she mused to herself before she would open her eyes. It reminded her of the mornings in her childhood when Equius would let them both sleep in on his day off before they would go out and have adventures all day. It reminded her of those days when if they went out on an early winter morning, the world was silent. No animals wanted to be outside with the cold weather, and humans were still asleep. The world was silent save for the rare car or the wind’s silent whispers. It was nice. She curled deeper into her moirail’s chest, purring silently to herself when it hit her. 

 

It was silent. 

 

Her head was still over his heart. 

 

She shot up like a rocket and turned to him. His book was discarded on the floor next to him, bookmark out of place. It had taken a few moments before she figured out what to even do. It was like in a nightmare, you couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, your body was frozen in time. It petrified her to see him like this, so still, so silent. Deeply. This would haunt her until she died, she was sure of it. 

 

It had take a minute before the chills set in and her entire body began to shake. Her eyes stayed dry as she reached across him and pressed the instructed button on the wall for a nurse. “H...Help me, p-please.” She choked out, not even sure that the speaker had picked up on her voice. She only continued to stare at him as he laid beside her, not moving. He wasn’t moving. His chest was still, he wasn’t moving, he wasn’t breathing, he wasn’t trying to calm her down, she was alone, he was gone, he was, he was-! She grabbed his arm with a grip that was reserved only for battles when she desperately needed to get a death grip on whatever she was killing. 

 

Hands grabbed her still shaking form and gently took her out of the room. She barely registered anything, people showing up to take care of him, trying to get her out of the room, out of the way. She was confused. Why had he been so cold when she grabbed him? 

 

“Wait, wait, is he okay?” Nepeta tried to push back against the nurse trying to help. She had to make sure Equius was okay! “What’re they doing? Why is he so cold?” 

 

The world kinda blurred for Nepeta at that point. She was aware that they closed the curtains so she couldn’t see him anymore. She freaked out about that, tried to get back into the room no matter what, but after a while they called security to restrain her and help calm her down. They had her wait in the lobby for a bit until they sent somebody down with all of their belongings. They told her that they would send the body ( _ the body,  _ they called him) to a funeral home they picked out and they would go from there. 

 

She carried their things (well, it was more so her things now but she didn’t dare to allow herself to think that) into the awaiting taxi and simple let her head rest of the window and let her mind go blank. It didn’t feel right. It didn’t settle in for her yet. 

 

They pulled up to their (her) house and she got out. She opened the door and set their (her) things down on the counter. It was too quiet. It sounded like it did when she woke up this morning. Equius should come home to liven things up though. He usually told her that she was the outgoing one of  the two, but without him it was meaningless. She left the door unlocked for him since she had the keys and he would have to knock to be let in. It was okay though. 

 

Her eyes stayed dry the entire day.

 

She sat at the counter and waited for him. The small hand on the clock moved across the circle until it had made a complete circle before Nepeta realized that he wasn’t coming back. That she was wasting her time with this. She looked out at the door, noticing how it was dark outside. Wasn’t it just morning? 

 

She got up, pushing herself up using the counter and felt the tiniest prick on her finger. She looked over and saw something sticking out of the book cover. It was the bookmark that he had when he was reading. She knew for a fact that it was at least in the middle last time she saw it. And now it was just crammed in the beginning?! Suddenly, anger took a hold of her. He was reading it, dammit! Did he finish it, did he stop, what part was he at? What part was he even at?! What happened, dammit, fucking, what happened!? 

 

She grabbed the book and threw it across the room with a feral scream. She grabbed anything that was in reach and just threw it, not caring if it was destroyed. What was the point anymore? She was alone and it was all hers now anyway. She was angry, she was scared, she was fucking alone in this godforsaken world and nobody knew how to handle her. The one person that did was fucking gone and she, she….

 

She dropped to her knees, grabbing fistfulls of her hair and just let it all out. Any and all sound that was produced sounded muted. It was like she was underwater, nothing really happened for a bit as she let herself proceed to freak the fuck out. She could tell that she was shaking, that tears and snot were all over her face, probably screaming based on the stinging that was in the back of her throat. 

 

Eventually, when she had let almost all of her energy and emotions out, she noticed something popping out of the book from across the room. It wasn’t the bookmark, it was much, much thicker and wider than a normal bookmark would be. Nepeta didn’t really trust herself to just walk over to get it, so she slowly inched over to investigate it. When she finally arrived, she was able to recognize the photo of the two of them that they were looking at earlier. Her hands still shaking (and why was there a bit of blood on one of the tips?) she looked at it with a much heavier heart than she had before. She was so tiny and frail surrounded by his massive arms, it was almost comical. 

 

Oh, how she longed to be surrounded by those arms again. 

 

She set the hand down, still holding the photo and proceeded to cry a few more tears. Nepeta tried to take a deep breath, but that ended up with more sobs and just as she was about to lose it again-she noticed the black ink against the white background on the photo. She lifted the back of the photo up. 

 

_ Nepeta,  _ it read.  _ I know that times will be hard for you once I part. But you must know that this is not the end, it is not over. There will be people who love you still out there, people who you can reach. I will always love you and I will see you soon.  _

 

Nepeta didn’t want to read the last line she knew that would break her heart all over again. 

 

She didn’t want to. 

 

_ Your moirail,  _

 

Don’t. 

 

_ Equius.  _

 

Nepeta lost it again. 

 

It was morning by the time she had calmed herself down enough (with the aid of a few drinks she had stored in the cabinets when Equius wasn’t looking) to start picking things up. She hadn’t slept in twenty four hours, but who the hell cares? 

 

She sat at the counter again for a few hours, not moving, not eating since she wasn’t hungry at all. Ever since she had the doctor explain what to expect a few days ago, she hadn’t wanted to eat anything. Equius forced her to eat, but now…? She needed time, she knew, but it was going to be hell, honestly.

 

Finally moving, Nepeta pulled her phone out of her pocket and opened it. Her heart stung a bit at the happy faces of her and Equius as her background, but she swiped until she found her phone app and opened it up instead of focusing. She clicked on the contact name and lifted the phone to her ear, hearing it ring and ring but she didn’t care. She knew that they weren’t going to answer, but what-fucking-ever at this point. She didn’t care, she really didn’t.  His answering machine answered and she huffed out a heavy sigh.

 

“Hey, Karkat. I know you told me not to contact you unless it was important, and if this doesn’t count as important I’m going to…” She stopped and hiccupped. A few seconds went by, but she needed to get this out. “He’s, uh, gone. Equius is gone. Thought you might want to know. That’s it. Bye.” 

 

She hung up. 

 

It took a few more hours and a few more drinks for her nerves to at least get to a manageable point, but she just stayed in the kitchen. After all, if she went upstairs to her room or his room, she’d see the piles that they’d spent countless nights in, just talking about everything. She knew that they weren’t ever going to get that chance again and it stung. It really, truly, stung. 

 

She looked over at the photo, which seemed to mock her from a distance. Equius truly believed that she wasn’t alone in this world? That was comical. 

 

Phone still in her hand, she scrolled through her contacts and lifted the phone once again. And once again it rang until the answer machine picked up. She took in another ice breath as the sound of his voice filled her ear. Her body began to shake again. 

 

“Hello, you have reached Equius Zahhak. I cannot get to the phone right now but leave a message and I’ll get back to you. Thank you.” His voice was so strong in it, so professional. So  _ alive.  _

 

“Equius.” She started to take shaking breaths. “Equius, where did you….I-I need you here. Here. W-with me. Feferi can wait a little bit longer, can’t she?” Nepeta felt the water prick at her eyes again and continued. “I brought everything back from the hospital. The dumb shits didn’t put your bookmark back in though, no-not in the right spot at least.” An awkward second passed. “Shit, sorry, I know you don’t like me cussing.” It felt weird, it felt weird talking to him even though she knew that he wouldn’t answer. Never would. A few moments passed before Nepeta found the right words to use and pushed forward. 

 

“I-I found the picture you wrote on. I guess you wrote it when I was asleep.” Her chest tightened. “I’m...Equius, y...you’re wrong. I am alone, dammit, it’s over, it’s fucking over!” The more she continued, the higher the words sounded and felt. “The humans in our group are dead, you guys were the glue holding us all together and now that you’re gone, I’m alone in the fucking world! I called Karkat just because I know he actually talks to the others, but they’re all so far in their own lives they don’t care about me anymore, Equius, don’t you see that? I’m alone, you were all I fucking had left!” She pushed back in her chair and pounded her fist onto the countertop. 

 

“You were...all I had. Left.” She turned to the mirror hanging in the kitchen and saw her reflection. She watched her yellow eyes fill with green years, turning them into a different color entirely. She watched her expression change from angry, to hurt, to scared. She wanted him back. She wanted him to come back to her and never, ever, leave. She wanted to be with him. 

 

“What am I supposed to do now? I can’t live here, Equius, I can’t.” Was she talking to herself or him at this point? It just felt good to talk so she continued. “I don’t wanna live anywhere if you aren’t here with me. Even, even at the st-station we would call every day and talk. I don’t know what to do anymore.” 

 

Nepeta lowered her head down onto the countertop and sobbed again. “I don’t know what to do.” 

 

She hung up. 

**Author's Note:**

> anybody else crying?  
> I debated posting this today since according to my friend, "This is super major of an event!" But I'll think of something better to post later. I'm really proud of it so I hope that this was worth the wait <3


End file.
